The Utter Side

Because there's more than one way to look at life.

Articles

Front row or balcony?

Blog

Friends and family are a beautiful addition to the life of any person, right? I suppose they should be. Like I said, I suppose. I don’t know where that leaves the people we’ve known, well, since forever. These are the people who are in our lives by default, they weren’t chosen but rather thrust upon you. But what happens to those relationships as we grow older? If you ask me, that’s right about the time then begin making our own choices in life about where and more importantly, with whom, we spend time?

Love or obligation

Are there people in your life that you feel obligated to ‘save a seat’ for in your life simply because of how long you’ve known them? If the answer is yes, would it really be a bad idea to scan the auditorium to examine

who does and who does not qualify to still hold that seat, to still have a reserved spot in your life?

Instead of referencing how long you’ve known a person, how about referencing how much value they add to your life instead. Sounds logical to me. Too bad, it’s not as easy as it sounds.

I’ve often found myself buckling under the pressure of having too little time to make room for the demands of everything and everyone in my life. At a certain point during my matriculation into full adulthood I decided it was time to edit my life like I will this post when it’s done. Time to remove what I no longer had room for, what no longer fit my life.

Front row or balcony

Former Editor-in-Chief, Susan Taylor gave me the perfect analogy years ago when I read her book In the Spirit as a young college student. She points out that everyone isn’t always going to have a front row seat in your life – those words have stayed with me since I was a young impressionable college student until this very day. The reality is that some people may start off in the front row of your life and end up in the balcony; some may end up exiting the auditorium. But there are no guarantees.

So what do you do? Live in the moment. Appreciate the people who are in your life right now because they may not be there your forever. And for sure, once in a while, you may find that people who started in the front row, later moved to the balcony, and ultimately exit without ever seeing you take your final bow or your curtain fall. But it’s okay. I promise you, it’s okay.

My thing is this: I’d rather feel inspired rather than obligated to hold a space in my life. Family or no family, you want to be in my world – you better earn your keep. Be real. Be honest. Genuinely love me. You do that…there will always be a seat in my life for you!

Family: A New Definition

Blog

When young, we’re basically born into cohabitation with a group of people we call ‘family’. Mostly connected by blood, though not always the case, these are the folks who you’ve known your entire life and even if not in a primary role, they’ll be in your life until the day you depart this earth. You have no choice. These parents, aunts, uncles and cousins will always orbit your world whether up close or at a distance. But as we get older, things can, and in my opinion, should change. At a certain point, shouldn’t we be able to choose who we call family?

Much like a person you’d choose to be a friend or more importantly, a spouse, I think there should be a point where the group of people we call family should be chosen rather than simply put upon us like a backpack full of heavy books that we must tote around for the rest of our lives.

No more free passes

While it’s may be true that we don’t choose the family we are born into, we can and should decide if they’ll play a major or minor role in the totality of our life. Because a person can have anything from an ‘all access backstage pass’ to a ‘nosebleed seat’ within the amphitheater of your life.

The reality is, I can love a lot of people, but that doesn’t mean I have to do it up close and personal. There are some folks I choose to love from a little bit further distance away even though we share DNA. It’s a good thing love knows no boundaries.

I’m sorry, well, not really, but I don’t subscribe to the idea that any person is entitled to anything from me simply because we share DNA any more than I owe something to a random stranger standing next to me.

The reality is that some of our family will act a straight fool only because they know they are family and believe in the notion that ‘blood is thicker than water’ or any other cliché conjured up to obligate you into putting up with their drama. Does that make sense? I think not.

While, we should all honor the people God has selected as our blood family, that doesn’t mean they have free reign in our lives. What I’m saying is that as time moves forward, you may decide to examine your relationships to see which ones are healthy and which ones are not; this includes an examination the ones we call ‘family’. And you’d be well within your rights as a human being to choose what’s best for your life.

Define your own family

These days I look at things a little bit differently. Family has taken on new meaning. Now my family are the people who love me unconditionally. They are those who accept me, faults and all; most importantly, they have the ability to accept me as I am while still believing I can become even better. These are the people who I can be myself around, let my hair and my guard down… I can simply be me.

You see, it’s time out for folks to just get a pass because they have your last name or they came out your womb or because our parents are related. If you ever were or have now become a person who doesn’t give me unconditional love, you may be in the building, but you can’t sit in the front row of my life.

This go around, my family is my choice. We might be related by blood and we may not be. The decision is mine.